Pirates - An Historical Perspective
October 29, 1914 by George Fitch
A pirate is a sort of nautical train robber. He is the worst thing that afflicts the high seas, not even excepting the English board of trade safety rules. When a pirate gets loose he cuts down the pleasure of ocean travel about 150 per cent.
The pirate roams the seas in a fast, pugnacious vessel and captures merchant ships by shooting holes in the captain and other vital spots. When he has subdued a ship, he robs the strongbox and. the passengers with as much care and thoroughness as if he were an eminent financier gang through the treasury of a great railroad. Then he blindfolds his captives, ties their hands behind them, and invites them to step off a plank into space. This system makes it extremely difficult for the grand jury to get evidence against a pirate, owing to the distressing lack of witnesses.
Pirates were once very numerous. They thronged the Spanish Main, captured Panama, bombarded Havana, and fought warships with great spunk. Morgan and La Fitte were famous pirates who waded ankle deep in blood and Captain Kidd almost ruined the European tourist trade before he was captured.
Gradually, however, almost all the pirates succumbed to scientific treatment and reformed. The way to reform a pirate Is to attach him to a yardarm by a stout rope fastened about his neck, with the knot under the left ear. When the deck is removed from beneath a pirate who has been arranged in this fashion, he becomes exceedingly thoughtful and earnest, and presently gives up his wicked ways.
Few people have seen a pirate, but all the magazine Illustrators are very familiar with them. From their pictures we know that the pirate is a low, swarthy man with parenthetical legs, hinge boots, and a moustache as wide as a narrow-gauge railroad. He wears large brass rings In his ears, a cutlass in his teeth and a bandanna handkerchief around his head, and lives on rum.
He is as deadly as a New York hoodlum with a cheap revolver, but there are very few of him. left, and these are cheap Chinese Imitations. Still, thanks to the ocean regulations which permit a ship owner to save his dividends first and his passengers second, we do not need pirates any more. The pirate was really a slow and unscientific method of getting rid of humanity
